Dumbfounded

Sorry for the silence on Israel/Palestine. I keep waiting for a good time to write, when I feel inspired and witty, but it hasn't come yet and I dont think it is around the corner, so all I can do is relate what is real.
Things here are so different than anywhere else in the world. Last summer in Bethlehem was difficult even though I had learned and studied a lot before I went. It is even more difficult this time around. I know more, am aware of contextual issues and regional complexities, and I am also really attached to the people here because of last summer. It has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have very much appreciated getting the Israeli side of the issue (through very key speakers and Synagogue and Shabat dinner with an Orthodox Israeli family) but it has not enabled me to see the justice in Palestine. My sympathy for Israelis is real, but in light of what is on the other side of the wall, I really have a hard time spending emotional energy on their plight. I am trying to fix it, I promise. My emotions have been a story unto themselves. Right now, this issue is the only thing that gets me fired up.
Yesterday I got to make the grand and triumphant return to Bethlehem and Beit Sahour. I got to see some of the people I worked with last summer and I got to hang out with my host brother, Iyad. It was really good to see everyone and catch up, remember why I love Palestine so much. But the day was long and trying. The wall is a reality that will never be anything less than shocking and devastating. 8meter high walls surrounded and cutting into the little town of Bethlehem is too much to handle. We met with a leader of Fatah, th much criticized (perhaps rightly so) leadership of the West Bank. We moved on to an appointment at Badil, a legal center for refugee rights. The meeting was overwhelming, so much information, many ugly realities and a sense of impossibility prevailed. Next, we moved to a refugee camp to hear more about the plight of Palestinian refugees. My heart is very heavy after all of this. I have invested so much time, energy, tuition money, and emotion in this cause, but still, it is shocking, upsetting, and mostly pisses me off. Yikes.
On the other hand, emotions aside, I am fighting with myself about the role of the U.S. in all of this. It really is my primary interest area, and what keeps me at least a little sane in this situation. Tomorrow, the whole group meets with an Israeli foreign service officer and then a political analyst from the U.S. Embassy...a very foreign policy oriented day. I am really looking forward to ditching the emotions and hashing out the facts, the necessary changes, and the nitty gritty of hard questions.
Overall, being here has been really great. I am happy and mostly healthy. I don't love it any less than the last time and I am learning so much that I am having a hard time processing it all. Life is good; difficult but good. It leaves me confused in that way: happy to be here, deflated by the realities of it all.